shawnjdouglas (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} shawnjdouglas) wrote,@ 2009-03-28 00:28:00 |
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Missing A Daughter
Sometimes I think she sees through me.
We're supposed to be connected through cell structure, by blood. She is half of me after all (though I have no doubt she sees it as the bad half) and there should be some common ground, some place were we connect, even on the smallest scale, under the most tiny of circumstances.
She does not treat me like her father. She respects me but only when she knows I'm not joking anymore. Being here for her is like slow Chinese Water Torture I'm sure though she never comes right out and says it.
I wonder what it was like for her growing up and once every six months having someone say, "This is your Daddy. He's on leave. Hang out with him for two weeks before he has to go again." Sometimes we're haunted by our choices. I wonder what the world would look like had her father never left for the Army, and if we did not have to get reintroduced all over again over four years.
We never really had a chance to develop the language of our relationship as father and child. This was not nearly the same kind of problem with her older sister. But for this little one who is slowly not so little anymore, I feel like the last three years have been small steps towards each other from two people still on opposite sides of the world, even though I'm right here.
I'm not in her top favorite people. Not even close. I wonder if we'll ever catch up to the race we've fallen behind in together. I wonder if she'll ever look at me with half the affection she does her mother. Or hell, her step father. After all he was around all the time while I was choking on sand and losing my mind.
I struggle with my role as a father all the time. Not because I do not value it, on the contrary. I struggle because I feel like it will never be where it should have been. I'll never be the father in her heart I'd like to be. I wish to be.
But I guess it does not matter much.
No matter what she'll always remain one of the two True Loves of my life.
My little girls. My Angels.
And she'll always have my heart whether she wants it or not.
Happy Birthday baby.
-SJD
Sometimes I think she sees through me.
We're supposed to be connected through cell structure, by blood. She is half of me after all (though I have no doubt she sees it as the bad half) and there should be some common ground, some place were we connect, even on the smallest scale, under the most tiny of circumstances.
She does not treat me like her father. She respects me but only when she knows I'm not joking anymore. Being here for her is like slow Chinese Water Torture I'm sure though she never comes right out and says it.
I wonder what it was like for her growing up and once every six months having someone say, "This is your Daddy. He's on leave. Hang out with him for two weeks before he has to go again." Sometimes we're haunted by our choices. I wonder what the world would look like had her father never left for the Army, and if we did not have to get reintroduced all over again over four years.
We never really had a chance to develop the language of our relationship as father and child. This was not nearly the same kind of problem with her older sister. But for this little one who is slowly not so little anymore, I feel like the last three years have been small steps towards each other from two people still on opposite sides of the world, even though I'm right here.
I'm not in her top favorite people. Not even close. I wonder if we'll ever catch up to the race we've fallen behind in together. I wonder if she'll ever look at me with half the affection she does her mother. Or hell, her step father. After all he was around all the time while I was choking on sand and losing my mind.
I struggle with my role as a father all the time. Not because I do not value it, on the contrary. I struggle because I feel like it will never be where it should have been. I'll never be the father in her heart I'd like to be. I wish to be.
But I guess it does not matter much.
No matter what she'll always remain one of the two True Loves of my life.
My little girls. My Angels.
And she'll always have my heart whether she wants it or not.
Happy Birthday baby.
-SJD
